Like everybody else on the planet, I get a lot of emails for things that I don’t want, things that I don’t need, and things I would never in my right mind buy. Such was the case recently when I got a note about Cosmetic Procedures for Pets.

Really.

As a longtime pet owner, I was first shocked, then equal parts disgusted and horrified. Although I’d joked in the past about my dog Monty’s weight struggles, I never would have considered getting him Lipo to slim his thighs.

And certainly not before I got it first.

Then I wondered if I was failing Monty, you know, in a shallow, superficial kind of way. I give him lots of love and attention and play with him all the time. But I haven’t considered doing anything expensive and completely unnecessary to improve his appearance. What kind of pet owner am I?

I never really worried that the other dogs would mock him for his crooked teeth. But maybe I should get him braces. Nothing says dapper dog like a perfect canine smile.

And then there’s the issue of Botox. Does he have frown lines? I really don’t know. There’s all that fur in the way. And speaking of fur … does he have too much? Does it make him self-conscious? He doesn’t just have a unibrow … he has a whole UNIFACE. Maybe we should do some electrolysis?

Our Bearded Dragon clearly had skin problems. His skin was very dry and rough and he constantly sloughed off large pieces of derma. Although this is a good look for zombies, it’s not a particularly attractive look for lizards. Had I been a good owner, I probably would have taken him to a dermatologist and gotten him a good exfoliation. Then maybe a little “lift” to tighten up some of that sagging skin.

Then there was our Chinchilla. He had a big problem with ear hair. There were massive tufts of the stuff coming out of his big chinchilla ears. Of course, there were no other Chinchillas around to notice, and even if there were, I suspect they would have all had the same issue. Still, I think you’d stand a much better chance with the lady chinchillas if you didn’t look like there was a fuzzy forest in your ears.

Seriously though … who gets their pets nipped and tucked? I’m pretty sure the pets don’t care what they look like. When was the last time you saw your dog staring in the mirror or stepping on the scale? Does your Beagle worry about bathing suit season? Does your Boxer want a button nose? Somehow, I think our pets are more concerned with loving us unconditionally then whether or not they get a muffin top in their jeans.

We’ll leave that to me.

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