Consider his report from John Cleese via Correspondent William: “The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria plus the Brexit vote and have consequently raised their security level from 'Miffed' to ‘Peeved.' Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross.' The English have not been 'A Bit Cross' since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to 'A Bloody Nuisance.' The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
“The Scots have raised their threat level from 'P-d Off' to 'Let's get the Bastards.' They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
“The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide.' The only two higher levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender.' The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
“Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing.' Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides.'
“Germans have increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.' They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose.'
“The Spanish are excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
“Regards, John Cleese, British writer, actor and tall person. A final thought — Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray."
Bar signs of the times
Correspondent Richard sends these boozy gems. From a bar named Delirium: “The Perfect Martini 1) Pour Gin, vermouth and olives into the trash bin where they belong; 2) Drink Whiskey!”
From The Old Stillage saloon: 1) Has your dog died? 2) Found out your husband’s gay? 3) Starting to find animals attractive: You can numb those problems temporarily with the help of BOOZE. Remember: the more you drink, the less you worry.”
Other signs: “Unattended children will be given espresso and a free kitten,” “I distrust camels and anyone else who can go for a week without a drink,” “ALCOHOL: Because no great story begins with someone eating a salad,” “Free air guitar with every pint of Guinness,” “SOMETHING WITTY AND PROVOCATIVE: that’s what my boss told me the write on the chalkboard.”
…Classmate Pat’s long-suffering wife, Susanne. Here’s why from Correspondent Pat: “Susanne recalled how maybe 25 years ago then-Jasper Central (before the merger) received a grant to bring people in important fields and have them talk to kids about their careers and the importance of education. Astronaut Rich Clifford after the presentations went to dinner with some of the teachers, including Susanne, at the Coach Light Restaurant (later Rupert's and now closed). She was very impressed with him.” The astronaut, one of A-E’s all-time heroes, kept his Parkinson’s Disease secret while he completed three shuttle missions and a six-hour space walk.
Another Frau contribution
In previous columns, A-E admitted that Correspondents-Classmates Pat and Richard wrote many funny lines in this Weakly Nonsense. A-E should be chastised for ignoring Frau in that hilarious Pantheon. Her latest: Conrad Murray, MD, the physician allegedly associated with Michael Jackson’s death, allegedly performed CPR on Jackson while the patient allegedly lay on an allegedly comfy bed. CPR novices first learn to “use a solid surface.” If the patient’s on a bed, put him on the floor. Murray allegedly didn’t and that’s an alleged reason Jackson allegedly died.
A-E’s weakly column is hunt-and-pecked in a Canisteo hut.