From correspondent Richard:

It took three minutes for the TV to warm up.

Nobody owned a purebred dog.

A quarter was a decent allowance and made with real silver.

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny made with real copper looking to see if it was a 1943 copper penny.

Your mom wore nylons that came in two pieces.

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and gas pumped without asking, all for free, every time and you didn't pay for air and you got trading stamps to boot.

Laundry detergent had free glasses, dishes or towels hidden inside the box. Not to mention Cracker Jacks.

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents.

They threatened to keep kids back a grade if they failed...and they did it!

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked.

Stuff from the store came without safety caps and hermetically sealed jars because nobody had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger.

Neighbor Bill strikes again

Nemesis-of-good-taste-and-good-cheer Neighbor Bill delights in picking on defenseless A-E. Willie’s latest present: A bright red shirt extolling in epic print “Baldness is never having to say I’m having a bad hair day.” (See accompanying photo) A-E suspects Bill suffers from early stages of adult-onset dementia, typical for many 97-year-olds.

Correspondent Pat’s amusing musing

“What’s wrong with letting Texas go its own way. We would lose about half of our Mexican border and reduce our Border Patrol budget drastically.

 

A-E’s advice for weight-loss regimens: Read the following easy regional diet

The proliferation of fad diets suggests another regimen that’s low-fat, salt-free and rich in fiber: the Appalachian Diet. The diet uses easily-obtained regional delicacies such as road kill squirrel, woodchuck, possum and skunk mixed with Amaranth pigweed, crabgrass and thistles. Sauce is a cough syrup boiled from that traditional area favorite Sumac sap. Calorie content is high, especially with fat layers just before winter hibernation. Diet secret: think “road kill” and you’ll want only tiny portions. Post-meal hurls keep down the calorie count, too.

A-E copied that recipe from a cook book discovered when he helped a friend clean a garage.

Some of A-E‘s all-time favorite malapropisms

“Where do you go from here, Mike?” sportscaster Jeremy Schaap asked Mike Tyson after Lennox Lewis knocked Tyson out. “I don’t know, man,” said Tyson, face swollen and infant son in his arms. “I might just fade into Bolivian.” Jeremy, Cornell Class of ‘91, is the son of Dick Schaap, Cornell ‘55.

 

This is another column A-E banged out on his steam-driven computer in Canisteo.