We, most of Greater Jasper (GJ) and the East Coast from Nova Scotia to Atlanta, shivered through too many records the last few weeks. How cold was it you ask? Classmate-Correspondent Richard lives on a lake a few miles east of G J and his water view is in reality a long chunk of ice that could be solid from surface to bedrock.

Even local denizens Richard calls Geezers admitted to the cold and abnormally thick ice.

A-E suspects that’s the coldest Richard’s icy views have been since around mid-Feb. 8,983 B. C. E. when that big northward retreating icecap left the ice age parked over Geneseo for a few days before it started toward Toronto and eventually East Nome. We know the wait was several days because somebody had time to chisel a pre-warm spell note in Early Runic on a boulder. Geology Professor Wain Twayne said the rocky message is roughly the Runic equivalent of “Baby, it’s really cold outside.”

An improved Loudmouth Ale sound

Drummer Earl noted that during a few sets this year his circa-1965 drum set spit out a few nuts, bolts and springs as more than half-century-old drums are likely to do from time to time. While most of the rock group’s fans understood, Earl felt that in the interest of the Loudmouth Ale sound, he should accept the Christmas present his wife and kids suggested: a new drum set. The result: to date, the Loud Mouth Ale beat keeper hasn’t lost a single part despite his most athletic attempts to send a spring of two from various area stages.

Hugh Troy triumphs over the Pentagon

The renown Cornell practical joker, fed up with military bureaucracy during his service as an Army officer, invented a new report about the use of flypaper. The Pentagon demanded other units send their reports, too. Hugh then sent another letter to the Pentagon mentioning that counts might be inaccurate due to recounting old flies from previous counts. To eliminate this potential error, he suggested that each fly be daubed with a little ketchup using a toothpick. By doing so, previously counted flies would now have a mark for the next count. Ketchup daubing was then added to the job description.

More Hugh Troy

Most readers know E. B. White, Cornell ’21, for his children’s books Stuart Little and Charlotte’s Web, New Yorker essays and as co-writer of the classic grammar guide The Elements of Style with Cornell English Professor William Strunk Jr., PhD, Cornell 1896. Less well known: White owned a dachshund named Fred and urged dachshund owners “to subscribe to the New York Times and instead of reading it just distribute it liberally all over the house.” White’s granddaughter, Martha White, edited her grandfather’s musings about canines and called the result E. B. White on Dogs. One entry is E. B. White’s Architects and Dachshunds from his Sept. 3, 1949 New Yorker column Talk of the Town. He described Fred’s low center of gravity as center of frivolity. The book is a quick fun read, Neighbor Nancy and other dog lovers.

Why old guys don’t get hired

Human Resources Manager: "What’s your greatest weakness?"

Old Man: "Honesty."

Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Old Man: "I don’t give a presidential vulgarity what you think."

Thanks to Correspondents Richard and William for that sociological insight.

Sex and sea turtles

The sex of sea turtles is determined by the temperature of the sand that incubates their egg and with the world getting warmer this evolutionary property has misfired for Pacific green sea turtles around Ingram Island. Researchers examining genders found female turtles outnumbered male turtles 116 to 1, according to Current Biology.

 

Canisteo resident A-E writes his weakly column much faster when daytime highs don’t have minus signs.