Correspondent Pat’s report about malt-flavored water: Pat‘s wife “The long-suffering Susanne only suffers when she sees me ordering Guinness on tap when we’re out. She, not understanding the mystique of the brew, pub heritage, Irish bartenders, etc., is convinced any beer bought in a supermarket would suffice for one-quarter the price and I could ‘drink it at home.’ School teachers, even those from hyphenated school districts, don't know everything.” Susanne is a J-T retiree.

Hugh Troy’s legacy

Hugh was a Cornell graduate whose flamboyant practical jokes included a visit to Central Park in New York City with a park bench he had bought. Police, suspecting he was trying to steal it, arrested him several times. He always presented the bill of sale and was released. Hugh got revenge by coordinating with numerous friends to take park benches simultaneously. Because police thought it was "that guy with the bill of sale," none of the thieves were stopped as they walked out of the park with dozens of benches.

Visit Greater Jasper

The official mascots of Scotland are Shetland ponies wearing sweaters made of Shetland wool, part of the latest Visit Scotland marketing campaign. Frau suggests similar marketing to attract tourists to Greater Jasper: Photos of cuddly woodchucks garbed in denim overalls from Greater Jasper. Headline: Woodchucks chuck more wood in Greater Jasper. A-E note: She also suggested a similar campaign with skunks involving a particularly natural and woodsy eau de cologne that won’t be explained here.

Greater Jasper investors probably won’t like this

The 36th annual United Van Lines migration study reports the northeastern U.S. again witnesses too many outbound moves. The St. Louis-based moving company tracks the states its customers move to and from each year, excluding Alaska and Hawaii. States with the highest percentages of outbound movement were, in order, New Jersey, Illinois, West Virginia, New York and New Mexico. D.C. had the highest percentage of people moving in, followed by Oregon, Nevada, North Carolina and South Carolina. Economist Michael Stoll concurs with the study: people wanna move South and West.

For the record, Frau and A-E moved from North Carolina to Greater Jasper.

Neighbor Tom versus large mammals

Tom’s periodic rendezvous with white tailed deer has kept body technicians busy for the past several years. His favorite location: coming down the Canisteo side of the infamous Augur. For those unfamiliar with that landmark, Augur is the perfect name for the twisting piece of macadam that makes wood screws look like straight pins. In addition to the curly road, Tom has a big red circular bull’s-eye 18 inches above the front bumper of his flivver. What actively suicidal mammal could resist the temptation to knock heads with a ton of Detroit steel going 45 miles per hour downhill?

Tom’s most ambitious mammalian tryst was with an escaped hippopotamus from the Cleveland Zoo when he worked there on an engineering assignment. Tom said his car smelled of hippo burgers for months after the crash.

More music from the good old days (1914)

"Abba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba" said the monkey to the chimp. "Abba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba" said the chimpee to the monk. All night long they chattered away. All day long they were happy and gay, swinging and swaying in a honky, tonky way.

"Abba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba dabba" said the chimp, "I love but you." Abba dabba dabba in monkey talk means "Chimp, I love you too." Then the ol' baboon, one night in June, married them and very soon,

They went upon an abba dabba honeymoon.

(Convinced yet the good old days weren‘t? If not, A-E will drag out more barely-literate tunes as proof they weren‘t)

A-E’s penetrating drivel is assembled next to his personal library in Canisteo. Most readers suspect fiction outnumbers non-fiction in that room.