The Dansville Online
  • Old shaggy story re-emerges in Greater Jasper

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  • This story’s resurrected for Nyctophobe (definition: Envy of Scots) and Classmate Pat: A tightwad Scot (Yes, that’s redundant, Pat) won the bid to paint the local Kirk (Scottish for church) with an absurdly-low bid. His tactic was to buy the cheapest paint and then "extend it:" That’s Scottish for "dump in gallons of water." The paint ran when rain started within an hour of MacTavish’s final brush stroke.
    "What am I to do?" MacTavish wondered as the paint whitened the lawn.
    As he looked heavenward, a deep stentorian voice commanded "Repaint. Repaint and thin no more."
    Historical note: A dinosaur first told that story just before the Cretaceous-Paleogene extinction event. The event and that story killed all dinosaurs, except those that evolved to become birds.
    Some Conservative groups spend lots of money raising lots of money
    National Draft Ben Carson for President Committee spent $900,000 to raise $1.2 million; American Legacy Political Action Committee (PAC) spent $1.7 million to raise $2.0 million, and Our Country Deserves Better PAC spent $4.6 million to raise $6 million, Time magazine reports.
    Hockey scores
    No sports matches are as exciting as the National Hockey League playoffs. For those who haven’t kept up with the excitement, here are some scores: 5-1, 4-2, 1-0, 3-2, 4-2, 4-3 in a shootout, 3-1, 5-2, 2-0, and 5-4.
    John earned his place in Greatest Generation
    WWII veteran John found himself on the Tribune front page May 6 and telephoned his thanks to A-E, author of the article. Consider this first sentence from the story: John "was a combat veteran before he parachuted into Southern France and Nazi gunfire at 4 a.m. on a foggy Aug. 15, 1944." John earned the Combat Infantryman’s Badge, Purple Heart, parachute wings with star for his combat jumps plus campaign medals with stars for battles in France and Italy.
    He wanted one word omitted from his story and A-E stupidly complied. The word was "hero." This writer was wrong to succumb to the request.
    Thank you, John, for your heroic service.
    P.S.: John and A-E are among the few Greater Jasper residents who can define these words: ‘stick,’ ‘static line,’ ‘leg,’ ‘Harmony Church,’ ‘PLF’ plus know the tune and chorus of ‘Blood on the Risers.’
    More fodder for notorious Canadaphobe Pat
    A Washington Post story told about a "smoking hot video" that a drug dealer made. The associated picture showed atypically "A January photo of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford not smoking crack." Ford’s head drooped, one assumes with embarrassment, at the Toronto city hall. Hizzoner sez he‘ll "take a break from his campaign" for re-election and agreed "to get help" from a sobriety program. Gentle readers: prepare for an onslaught of Fordaphpobic remarks from Correspondent Pat. The most embarrassing news: Pat’ll be correct.
    Page 2 of 2 - Correspondent Richard on the hyperactive life of a busy retiree: him
    Richard admitted he wasn’t busy "during our long winter from November to late April: Winter weather is crappy. I hated to go outside, it was so cold all the time. My son says that we're in for some really hot weather soon because the oceans have been soaking up heat and will soon be releasing it.
    "Darn, he‘s probably correct.
    "Soccer is taking great percentages of my time. I'm assistant coach of two teams and the coaching director for our new club. I have games on Mondays and Wednesdays and practice on Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays." FYI, Richard was named national youth soccer coach of the year a few years ago.
    "(Classmate) Pat, how are the leeks growing for your annual LeekFest? I'm looking forward to haggis with leek stuffing." Great line, Richard: Haggis is a Scottish delicacy and Pat dislikes anything associated with Scots, especially meals stuffed into sheep stomachs.
    This potpourri was originally finger painted in Canisteo.
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