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The Dansville Online
  • Frau says A-E jinxes sports teams

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  • Here’s an apology to the Washington Redskins, 2014 U.S. men’s and women’s Olympic hockey teams, Washington Capitals, San Francisco 49ers, Washington Nationals and various Cornell varsity athletic teams: A-E’s the reason you’ve suffered agonizingly ghastly seasons of late. Frau discovered A-E’s incompetent support during the Sochi Olympics. Only Vladimir Putin apparently suffers more far-reaching jinxability such as his unhappy facility to transform laudatory international Olympic attention into universal resentment of a greedy nearby regime, the Ukraine, that he supported.
    A-E has cheered the Washington Redskins for decades. Net result: zilch. Same for the Nationals baseball team. No less authorities than Sports Illustrated and ESPN magazines last year predicted the team would win the World Series. The gNats didn’t make the playoffs. A-E’s most spectacular Olympic gaffe came at the expense of the U.S. women’s hockey team, who were besting Canada 2-0 with two minutes to play. A-E was exhilarated until Canada tied and won in sudden-death overtime.
    Wanna make some quick money? Find whom A-E’s cheering for and bet against ‘em. If A-E’s calculations are correct, a $5 bet against the Redskins in 1995 and other A-E-backed teams since would have returned $2,961,835 in anti-A-E wagers.
    Jasper-Troupsburg fans: A-E’s keeping his support private, just in case the jinx extends beyond professional teams to area secondary schools.
    Snow angels IX
    Seventy-four-year-old guys with Parkinson’s hate sidewalks after the constant snowfalls that plague Greater Jasper this seemingly endless winter. Snowfalls last week offered the same personal challenges: how to avoid early-morning acrobatic tumbles into newly-drifted mounds. Enter the Canisteo Main Street Snow Angels: their self-assigned mission seems to be helping old and mildly-infirm retirees like A-E shuffle through the neighborhood. A couple of liberators, if you catch A-E’s drift, insist on anonymity. Others, such as Neighbors Don and Bill, happily trot in editorial daylight through snow behind those marvelous engineering marvels, snow blowers.
    Apologies to faithful readers who notice the seasonally-redundant theme of this weakly nonsense. But when you enter your eighth decade on this mortal coil you’ll appreciate the value of neighborly Snow Angels.
    Neighbors and stumblebum A-E can’t applaud loudly enough. Thanks, Angels anonymous and public
    More bad news about U.S. education
    United States slipped deeper in international secondary school rankings amid fast-growing competition abroad, the Washington Post reports. American teens scored below the international average in math and roughly average in science and reading, compared with dozens of other countries that participated in the Program for International Student Assessment (PISA) administered last fall.
    Students in Shanghai, with almost 20 million people, ranked best in the world, according to test results. Students in East Asian countries came out on top, nabbing seven of the top 10 places across all three subjects.
    Page 2 of 2 - U.S. Education Secretary Arne Duncan characterized flat U.S. scores as a "picture of educational stagnation. We must invest in early education, raise academic standards, make colleges affordable and do more to recruit and retain top-notch teachers," he said.
    Roughly half a million students in 65 nations and educational systems representing 80 percent of the global economy took part in the latest edition of PISA.
    Greater Jasper v. Transcanisteo
    The Latin prefix ‘trans’ means across or beyond, such as transcontinental or Trans World Airline. President Lincoln wanted to conquer the Transmississippi so the mighty river "would flow unvexed to the sea." GIs in Vietnam long ago listened to American news on Zenith Transoceanic radios. A-E thinks Transcanisteo more poetically describes the banks of our stubby stream that flows unvexed to the Tioga. A-E’s thinking of changing the column name of our area from Greater Jasper to Transcanisteo. You can vote to keep Greater Jasper or to change the map at www.woodchuckdrool.com/whatsinaname. A future column will report results.
    The column author scribbles this nonsense in Canisteo, part of Greater Jasper or Transcanisteo

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