Since it is well known that laughter is great medicine and because it is never a bad thing to take yourself lightly and because itís the middle of a rough winter, here is a light-hearted column for everyone to enjoy and hopefully come away chuckling. This has been circulating the internet for awhile. A search for an author came up empty, so letís just attribute this to the collective wit.

I love my new doctor and this is why:

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and thatís it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up the heart doesnít make you live longer; thatís like saying you extend the life of your car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: Oh no. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine; that means they take water out of the fruity part so you get even more goodness that way. Beer is made of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOUíRE NOT LISTENING! Food is fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetables be bad? Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Oh no! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable! Itís the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain a whale to me. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Pam Maxson is a health educator at Noyes Hospital in Dansville. If you have questions or suggestions for future articles, she can be reached at or 335-4327.